Yaya Toure has had a truly brilliant Premier League season. He has smashed in a monstrous number of goals, dominated games, bullied opposition teams into submission and propelled Manchester City to a second title in three years. His influence and skill is fanned over by the footballing fraternity at large.

It is therefore most odd to see that he has decided to end this decorous season by behaving, well, a bit like a prat.

Manchester City, in apparently a huge oversight, didn’t centre their title celebrations around his 31st birthday. I myself am one day older than Yaya, and turned 31 just twenty four hours before he did, and I didn’t want a soul to even know about my birthday, but poor Yaya is obviously very sensitive where his birthday is concerned. But before we gawp at how far he has managed to throw his toys out of the pram about it, we must surely, as sensible and thoughtful football supporters, take care to examine why the man who earns quarter of a million quid a week was upset with the centrepiece of the affair: a measly cake.

1. He wants a move. Maybe, he is looking for any excuse to get out of there. If this is true, he could have looked for something that didn’t make him look quite so much like a spoilt 4 year old who didn’t get the GI Joe’s he wanted.

2. He doesn’t like cake. Maybe Yaya is lactose intolerant. Maybe Kolo used to eat all Yaya’s birthday cake while they were growing up. Maybe, bringing poor, sensitive Yaya cake, to bring up all sorts of painful memories in a Gulf War Syndrome-style flashback, was the last straw.

3. Yaya is a high profile sufferer of jophaboia, namely a phobia of cakes. Cakes to Yaya, is snakes and spiders to regular folk. It’s the kind of thing a quarter of a million pounds a week just can’t solve. That would go some way to explain his, ahem, ‘reaction’.

4. Erika Eleniak from ‘Under Siege’ didn’t pop out of it. Which would probably put us all out.

5. He’s actually lost a bit of perspective on his journey to the top, and will seek any way to exert that player power that seems to be such a plague in Premier League circles these days. He has been so important to City in recent years, and they dared not to make a big enough deal out of his birthday. Perhaps Yaya does in fact believe he is more important than City, in his own birthday taking precedence over mere title celebrations. Which would be very sad indeed.

Either way, it was probably the funniest thing to happen this season, and made sure that Manchester City will never forget dear Yaya’s birthday again. If he is there next season, that is.

  • : Foter / Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-SA 2.0)

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Robert Parker

Book-writing, movie-watching, sport-obsessing, wife-spoiling, daughter-wrangling, son-of-a-gun. Always smiling, always writing. Plenty of both in the tank.

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